Why Dennis “Suck My” RodMan Is Awesome

He could drink his way out of an Olympic sized swimming pool, he could retain his masculinity while dressing like a drag queen, he hooked up with Madonna and Carmen Electra when Father Time was still on their side, all the while being the best rebounder in the history of professional basketball. Dennis Rodman was larger than life and spent the entire 1990’s in an inebriated state of hedonism that few could even imagine. Rodman was the introverted “Bad Boy” of the two-time Finals Champions, the Detroit Pistons. Eventually his fame would reach its peak as he became the most flamboyant player of the Chicago Bulls “Big Three” that featured NBA legends Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen.

big 3

Left to right: Jordan, Pippen, Rodman

It was around that time that Rodman started dying his hair until it was as colorful at a San Francisco night club serving appletinis at happy hour. Let’s not forget the piercings and tattoos that helped transform his appearance to rival douchiness of a Harley Davidson biker. People began to take notice his off the court antics as he continued to gather attention across America. While many people call in “sick” after a night of excessive binge drinking, Dennis would take the first flight back from Vegas and still kick ass in his games hung-over. Forget the term “doing enough cocaine to kill a small horse” Dennis did enough to kill a full grown African Elephant.

Attention Whore Much?

Nowadays he spends his down time as an unofficial American diplomat negotiating peacekeeping with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. While we’re still on the topic of raging, let’s evaluate Rodman’s physical assets in beer pong. Although he wasn’t necessarily known for his shooting, he would eliminate the chance of any bounce shot, secure every rebound, and provide one of the most intense dunks ever witnessed to end the game in spectacular fashion. He’ll make the cut over that obnoxiously overconfident college freshman any day. Based off of these credentials and the fact that he pulls as much ass as a boy band, we would feel honored to party with this legendary functional alcoholic.

Drink: Dennis the Menace (Peach Schnapps, Malibu coconut rum, 3 drops Grenadine, pineapple juice)

Someone Came From a Broken Home

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